PDA

View Full Version : The Flock (Contest II Submission)


Falcolas
02-25-2006, 08:47 AM
“Come with me.”

The words raised gooseflesh on the young Countess, who smiled coquettishly at the tall man who stood still, his arm outstretched towards her. Reasons that she should not accept this stranger’s offer came to her immediately, however one look into his steel grey eyes and his finely toned body drove those thoughts away in a haze of sensuality. This stranger did not wear clothes to cover his body; they merely served as adornment atop his was finely honed and nearly perfect body.

“I really shouldn’t…” came tumbling from her mouth, even as she reached out towards him, clinging to his hand as if adrift in his sea. He took her to the floor to dance, every move of his body choreographed to enhance, to complete his seduction of her. A brush of his hip here, a light breath on her neck there, his fingers searing through her clothes to leave brands on her flesh.

The night became a sumptuous blur of skin, music, silk and movement. Her head cleared long enough to realize that she was no longer dancing, that the music had changed from the live bands to the muted chimes of a music sphere, that she was facing not a dance floor, but a bed. He was there too, on that bed; his silks discarded on the floor, replaced only with a slight sheen of glistening sweat.

The haze of sensuality turned sharp with lust at the sight, and with nary a thought to her house, her husband, or her flock, she ran to him, begging for him to release her from her torment. He relented, spearing her quickly, roughly. He brought her upwards, spiraling further and further up, yet keeping her from the plateau he knew she so desperately needed.

Finally, he brought her to the point of balance, where one thrust of his spear would take her over. He stopped, poised to take that final stroke, and whispered softly to her. “That girl you ‘made an example of’ the other day? She was my sister.”

Against her fear driven struggles, he speared her one final time. She screamed as she crested, her body quaking in need as her mind crawled in fear. As she spiraled down into unconsciousness brought by his sudden onslaught of magic during her moment of weakness, she wept.

Waking in the pens of her very own flock, marked and disfigured to perfectly match those around her, she wept again.

Nicola
02-28-2006, 12:19 PM
Creativity: (7) I liked the way you used the language to enhance the sexuality of the story. You used phrases I haven’t seen before and I like that about your writing. Regarding the story, however, it could have been a bit more original. Someone seduces another for vengeance… yawn.
Grammar: (6) Your punctuation was a bit off in places, some sentences were incoherent and you made a few spelling mistakes. You should have proof-read this properly.
Style: (6) There are far too many commas and it appears you haven’t chosen your diction according to effect but to sound lofty. However, some of the loftiness does work regarding the seduction and the sexual imagery. I was impressed how vivid some of this was. Still, it was a chore to read. I don’t mind the story being so short. In fact, its impressive how you got captured so much emotion in such a short piece.
Theme: (4) Very poor use of the theme here. It was the matter of the story going somewhere else then it gets a sharp U-turn at the end. In that sense it has the right theme but for me vengeance didn’t seem to take centre-stage. Even then, the reason for revenge isn’t even clear. Where’s the anger from him? Where’s his motivation? His one line of dialogue doesn’t cut it for me. The theme seemed to be branching out in all kinds of directions; such as the Countess dealing with regret afterwards, for example. If I didn’t know what the theme was supposed to be and someone asked me what the theme was I would have said ‘sex’. In conclusion, the theme was there, it just wasn’t felt throughout the story.

Falcolas
03-03-2006, 07:00 PM
I appreciate the feedback. It's been ages since I've found creative reasons to do fiction, particularly non-rp fiction, so this was very off the cuff (and I agree, it looks that way).

And the brevity (as well as lack of definate descriptions of the situation) were intentional -- inspired by a few short stories I've read recently, with the hopes of sparking your imagination to see beyond the words.

But if all it turns out as is a hot sex story, I can live with that too. :p

Hydro
03-17-2006, 03:24 AM
The Flock – Falcolas - 8th place

Style/Creativity: < 7.8 | 10 > Well, your story was short. And it was really weird; the thing I liked most is the sexuality in it. I think you could have added a lot more detail to your story and a lot more depth. There just isn’t much to grade.

Grammar: < 7.5 | 10 > you should have read over your story to check for errors. I noticed a lot of spelling mistakes. Although, I like your terms and original sentences.

Theme: < 6 | 10 > I just didn’t understand the story. I can see how it has to do with vengeance but you didn’t focus on it enough for me to notice.

Overall: < 7.1 | 10 > Sorry I loved the sexual part of you story and you had something really good going. It’s just too short. It would be way better if you added detail to each of your ideas.

Jejunum Jake
03-25-2006, 01:50 AM
Creativity: 8
Interesting tale. Certainly original enough to receive a high score. The sexuality was rich and the description certainly caught your attention.

Style: 8
Good choice of diction, though some of it seemed to be simply for the effect and not for any particular meaning. It's not really a problem, but simply the reason this doesn't get a higher score.

Grammar: 7
No major problems, but as Nicola said there were a few too many commas.

Theme: 3
This really didn't have much to do with revenge at all. In fact, it seemed to be quite the opposite. The seducer doesn't even seem to care about his sister at all. It's as if he simply mentioned her death as a passing remark, as if to say that it's not a big deal that the woman he is making love to murdered his dear, sweet sister. It feels as if this story were written for another purpose, and you simply tacked on the sister line afterwards so that it could be considered for this contest. I could be completely wrong and could just be throwing out wild accusations, so ignore me if I am.

Overall: 7.5
Good in the other areas, but because it was not on topic, it doesn't receive as high a score.

Falcolas
03-25-2006, 08:32 AM
This really didn't have much to do with revenge at all.
<sigh> Looking back, I can't really argue with that. However, this was written specifically for the theme... however without looking into it deeper (and I quite possibly did not give enough information to do so) the motivation for the seduction is a bit murky.

The problem with not spelling everything out is it's too easy to loose your audience in what seems to you a perfectly woven tapistry. Eh, live and learn. ;)

Jejunum Jake
03-25-2006, 07:44 PM
As I said, it was excellently written, but it just wasn't on theme, which means that I couldn't give you a good overall score. :( I would have loved to give you a better score than that, because you did, as you said, weave an excellent tapistry. The main lesson here is just staying on topic.